I am a 28 year old Danish woman who had my debut in psychiatry as a 18 year old. For some years i was what might be called a revolving door patient, and it was only when I was about 20 years-old that I heard voices for the first time. It was an incredibly frightening experience for both myself and my family, and we were all in doubt about whether it was permanent or not, and if yes, would I ever live a “normal” or simply a tolerable life again. It was both frightening to hear the voices, but also knowing that I would be termed insane by both people inside and outside of psychiatry, not least by myself.
The voices were telling me that I should harm myself because I was / am wrong and do not fit into any relationship, and that I only deserve all evil in the world. They tell me that those closest to me are disappointed in me and I make them hurt. I think I was about 23-24 years since I coincidentally heard about offers of help to work with voices. Hitherto the only way to try to ’treat’ the voice was to medicate it away, which had not had the desired effect, but only caused problems with the usual side effects like obesity, inactivity, even more frustration, etc. This contact I spoke with was a former colleague of Trevor Eyles, who had initiated a voice-hearing project, or perhaps it is truer to say that it is a struggle with the voices. For that is what it’s all about, but more on that later. I got in touch with Trevor and after a conversation I started in a hearing- voices group. It was a very frightening experience, but at the same time also a relief to be in a room with people who not only believed in me, but also understood what I went through. I generally have always had a hard time with groups and also with this one. Both because I have difficulty talking / telling thing in front of a group of people, but also because I was so tormented by the voices that I was afraid. I agreed to complete the Maastricht Interview with Trevor. It was really tough. And really, I didn’t feel during that period that i got very much out of the talks, neither in group nor with Trevor. I was still plagued by voices and was afraid to go 100% into the work with the voices. During the interview we tried together to find out exactly which voices I heard / hear, is it male / female, how old are they, did we have a relationship, or who might they represent. They had a mission or a task by which they intended solely to intimidate me and make me evil? I didn’t accept that they could possibly have any other mission or task besides making me scared and thereby controlling my life. When I stopped talks with Trevor, I felt good enough that I might have a little more control over who the voices were, but I did not really know that I, as such, had made peace with them like I had heard others had done. I just think that I was not ready to work with them so intensely at the time. Subsequently, I moved from the city and changed a great many things in my life. I had new people around me. Somewhere in this process, I do not know exactly when and how, I began to work more with the voices and became better and better at it. I tried myself with some of the things that Trevor and I had talked about. I began to relate to the voices, in a completely different way than before. Previously, I tried steadfastly to ignore them consistently, and this is the last thing that works in such a situation. I began to accept that they were there and tried to really understand who they represented and what their mission was. I began to be genuinely interested in knowing what they really wanted. It’s not that they just tell me why they are there, if I ask. I may even conclude from the things they say. An example: I had a female voice who was generally critical of my choices, my relationships with others, my appearance, etc.. I heard her tell me that a person in my life only wanted to hurt me badly and I think she was trying to tell me that maybe I can feel misunderstood in some context or exploited. What she wanted me to understand was that I must take care of myself and resolve the conflict, either between the afore- mentioned person and me, or in my head. She can also tell me I’m stupid and do not understand something. I must pull myself together and become normal. In this case, I think she is trying to tell me that my desire to get on with life in respect of education and family and whatever else might be good, may be an option if I just try and not give up in advance. Last but not least, I am not happy about my appearance because I know that I was overweight, and it’s something I want to change. Here, my female voice, told me I’m fat and unattractive, and she can be pretty rough with her words. It can be difficult to hear serious words about something you are unhappy and upset at yourself. Ugly words are not the best immediate way to motivate others, but I think she in a way wished me well. She wants as I do that I have the body I can be comfortable in. It’s certainly what I choose to believe, and it helps me in this context that I no longer have to feel wrong when she speaks. It’s like she has a reverse tactic, she thumps me in the head, trying to intimidate me and it would certainly have been desirable if she had instead been positive, but maybe it’s the only way she could get me to listen. So today when I still at times hear her voice, I am no longer afraid, but think instead, ’what is she trying to tell me now?’ Is there anything I should try doing another way? Is there anything in my life that is not appropriate for me as things are right now? Or should I otherwise take any better care of myself right now, in this or other situations in my life? I do not know whether or not I will hear voices for the rest of my life. And now it no longer plays a major role for me, because I’ve been lucky enough to be allowed to work WITH them and not AGAINST them – and that made all the difference. I no longer need to worry. I take their presence as a sign or message for me to relate myself to anything in my life that is not appropriate for me. My hope is that others in my situation get the opportunity to get the relatively simple help it is to learn to understand voices. I am convinced that not only the voice-hearers, but also society will benefit greatly if it was even more freely available. K. R. January 2011